forever and ever.

So a couple of months ago my dear friend Anne Marie shared her last hours with her daughter through an email sent out to many close friends. Now I can't lie, it took me over two months to finally open the email seeing as reading it would bring back many horrible memories from the day that haunts me. I have selfishly closed the door on many of my memories from that day but Anne Marie has asked that we share our last hours with the one and only Sophie Rose, so here I am.  I will try to be as candid and honest as I can be.  I do not want to share this with the intention of making others feel inferior, I do not want this to seem like I was the only one hurt by this loss, I just wanted to share my last hours with my best friend seeing as they were her last mortal hours in this place we call earth.

Monday, June 28th, 2010. . .

Around 8 o'clock or so my mother and I headed down to the stake center to depart from our normal lives and travel up to girls camp where we could just get away. Little did I realize how far away from my normal life I would go.

It was a beautiful sunny day. I remember throwing my bags in the big pile and reminiscing on a morning just like this only a couple years prior when Sophie and I headed up to Brighton Girls Camp together in the exact same spot climbing aboard a big yellow bus to take us away, it was all too familiar. I then noticed Sophie getting out of her car (much older and absolutely stunning, she had grown into such a beautiful girl) and making her way over to the baggage pile with all her stuff.  She had her guitar with her, she was going to play a song that night at the fireside. She and I had been asked to participate by one of our good friends who was on the camp activities board so we didn't have much room to decline the request. She was going to sing a song and I was supposed to give a talk. Neither of us had prepared for this in the slightest. We joked about how unprepared we were and how we would have to just "wing it."

We spent the bus ride doing what we did best, telling stories, laughing and talking. I wish I could tell you that we talked about things that were important. I wish I could say that our chats were meaningful and she gave me life altering advice but that is not the truth. If anything it was anything but that. We talked about boys, which ones were cute, which ones were a waste of time. We trash talked people who had wronged us. We laughed about stupid silly things that had happened. We basically talked about everything you could talk about that in a few short hours I would not give a care in the world to. Sophie was always a snuggler. She was very affectionate to everyone she loved. It always made me feel so special. Even when we were little girls sitting in primary she would always put her head on my shoulder. It made me feel loved, it made me feel like she needed me, like I was her sister. Uhhhh. . . Life can really just suck sometimes. Sometimes it just makes you wanna eat your own head. So if you don't understand my humor, don't take offense. I just learned from one of my dearest friends that sometimes when you think your life could not get any worse you just make a joke and chances are you end up laughing and you remember for a second why life is worth living and there is no better thing in this world than laughter so why not spread some more of it while you are at it.  

When we arrived at camp we unloaded the buses and set up camp and made our beds. Sophie and I fought over who got top bunk but if I remember correctly I think she generously let me win. To be honest though I think deep down we knew it didn't matter because we would have probably stayed up all night talking and laughing and telling stories just like we always did at sleep overs.  After our camp was set up and ready we headed down to lunch at the pavilion. They had some sort of speakers there, either camp directors or some old folks telling us all of the thousands of rules to abide while at camp. Of course Sophie and I did not bother to pay attention and spent the duration of their presentation goofing off and being loud and annoying despite our mothers disapproving looks. They told us we were being rude but that was just the way we were. We did what we wanted and what we wanted to do was be silly.  For lunch we ate chicken salad sandwiches that came with grapes and I'm sure some chips of some sort. Sophie and I quickly finished our first meal and began devising a plan of the least conspicuous way to go and retrieve another serving. We both ate two lunches that day. Calories were not a worry of ours. We laughed and joked about how piggish we were but we didn't care.  Not to mention I don't think there was a day you could call Sophie piggish with those legs of hers.  Sophie wore her mothers jeans to camp and I remember teasing her for having a mom's butt when she beant over. It wasn't like I could talk though cause I had mom jeans on that day too. So she teased me right back. As we left lunch we headed up to the restrooms and chatted as we went about our moms. They were both at camp with us this year and we talked about how much we admired our mothers friendship. We talked about how we wanted to be like that in the future and we hoped that our children would be friends with each other. . . . 

We grabbed our backpacks and we were off on the hike to the lake. I remember Sophie grabbed her scriptures and I told her why in the world would you bring your quad with you it would just be extra weight but she brought them anyways. On the hike we laughed and sang Celine Dion songs in honor of our previous Girls Camp traditions.  She told me how much she missed Scotty and how excited she was to see him. She told me how she was almost positive she was IN LOVE with him.  She told me everything she missed about him. Basically I just got a big ear full about Scotty. But I loved every minute of it because this was probably the happiest I had ever seen Sophie in her life, and she was one happy girl.  But there was just something different about it. She just seemed completely content with everything in her life and there was no heart ache. I have seen her go through just about every stage of life and I have seen her over come so many trials but on this day it was like everything had just fallen into place. She was radiating happiness.  We talked about the boys I liked and didn't like.  I was wearing the infamous Wayne Owens hat that day and I think subconsciously I made some sort of emotional connection with him because of that and because I talked about him to Sophie that day. Looking back on it now I don't know if it was just plain idiocy or if it was part of heavenly fathers design. If only I could go back to this day I would have done SO many things different and said many different things. 

After canoeing around the lake we began our hike back to camp. Little did I realize in those first few steps of this hike that my life was about to change forever. My simple life would soon turn into a horrible cinematic disaster. I will end here because the next few hours of my life are too painful and personal to share.  They are quite possibly the worst hours I will ever have to experience in my lifetime. The best way to put it in words is I was emotionally hit by a train. You know the expression "train wreck." Well it turns out they invented it for me. There are not a lot of things I know for sure from this point on in the day but there is one thing that I know without a shadow of a doubt. As I lay there in the Heber Mountain Emergency waiting room and I looked up at the ceiling I saw a stream of beautiful sunlight spilling into the room and I had the distinct feeling that Sophie was talking to me. It was not like I could see hear and its not like I could hear her. I just had the feeling that she was telling me that she was happy. She told me multiple times how happy she was and that it was meant to be. When you are faced with a trial with this kind of audacity you have a split second to make the most important decision of your life. Will you hate God or trust him with all of your heart and in my experience I decided the latter. I realized after only seconds the enormity of this loss and that I would not be able to do it on my own. I realized that God must know what he is doing. In my mind I was like he better have a dang good reason for taking my best friend away from me and I am still sticking to this theory.  I miss her everyday but I know that it was meant to be. I don't know why I just know it is.  It breaks my heart don't get me wrong but I know that my best friend is off with angels doing things I would never even imagine in my wildest dreams. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this day and wonder why? I still don't know how or why she died. I don't know why I was the one to spend her last day on earth with. I don't know why I had to see the things I saw or hear the things I heard. I DO know that I will see her again and until then eyell be waiting, working, growing and preparing for the day that I will be called home to my heavenly father and I will see my Sophie Rose again. 

I know this vid may seem dumb to you but it makes me cry every time. This was taken only hours before Sophie passed and I still cant believe it. She was walking, laughing, singing. She was so happy.

el dia de padres

Happy Father's Day! My oh my how time is slipping away. I know I have already posted about my wonderful father, Thomas Kent, but he has given so much to me how could I not dedicate another post to him.  I'm so sad I won't be with my dad today. I miss singing to him in church when I was little and coloring him a tie in primary. . . the good ol days. My favorite time of day when I was little was when my dad would get home from work. Even better than that I loved the days I got to go to work with my dad. He is the smartest guy I know. He seriously can fix anything. The other day Susan had a paper jam in her printer and she asked me to take a look at it. . . Lets just say I don't think I made matters better and all I kept thinking was my dad could fix this in two seconds. I started to take the printer apart and Susan was like "Don't bother, I'll just get a new one." Ha my father would be anything but pleased with this answer.  I miss hangin out with my dad going skiing, cooking random crazy things, and watching the best movies in the world together. I can't wait for August when we get to go to the beach together (our favorite place in the world). I love my papa!

summer nights

It just can't get better than this. Weekend nights are like the best things in the world here. So I'll give ya a little preview of what they are like. Of course I miss the summer nights stayin out all night with my friends but this summer is different. I have had the opportunity to learn and grow and experience life outside of the 801. Usually around six or seven whenever we finish eating we head out on the boat to ski. Eric, the 8 year old does dock starts and is so fun to watch when he skis cause he just has so much fun out there. He weighs like 60 lbs and he just does the craziest things. He still skis on two and oh my does he take advantage of it. He like hops around like a bunny and will ski sitting down while still doing the course. He is one silly kid. Adam, the 10 year old gets up on one and is basically the best 10 year old slalom skier in the state of Connecticut. He seriously is so good, but he rarely goes out. Then there is me. They started having me ski on Susan's ski now that I'm getting better though and it helps get sharper cuts and what not. It is so much fun going out at night though cause we basically have the lake to ourselves and so its just you and the nice calm water out there. I only took one hard fall tonight though and nothing is broken so I'm all good. I do get some freakin gnarly bruises though. When we got back I went out on the wave runner with Eric. He is always trying to throw me off and considering he is only 60 lbs I wouldn't have a chance if I just held on to him so I hold onto the handles despite his wishes.  It was the most beautiful night though. The sun had just gone down and the ski was pink and we were just out there having a blast on the wave runner.  It seriously was so pretty though. All the docks are lit up and people are outside sittin by their fires. If only I had my camera to capture this moment but its kinda hard when your going wild and crazy on the wave runner and getting everything wet from head to toe.  When we got back we hopped in the hot tub for a min to warm up from the cold lake water.  Then I went in and got showered off to go out and sit by the fire and make me some s'mores! The boys wanted me to play night games with them so I obliged for a while. Then when I was finally run down I went down and sat down with the parents and their friends. They are always super nice and include me in on their conversations. One of their friends was super interested in hearing about my religion and I was so stoked to tell him about it. Not many people ask and I do not want to impose especially because I am a guest in their house but if I am asked I am more than willing to tell. I shared me testimony with him and things were going super well. I was so happy and the longer we talked the more I realized he was talking in circles and repeating the same questions and then it dawned on me how drunk he probably was ha. My nanny parents always have a drink or two when we eat and what not but they never drink until they are wasted and it just didn't occur to me that I was talking to a drunkie ha. So I don't think our conversation really resonated with the guy but it was nice to share my beliefs with someone even if he wont remember it in the morn! Crazy stuff living in a different lifestyle, but it is so interesting to see it first hand.  Despite my well intentioned missionary efforts it was a beautiful summer night sitting down on the docks under the bright night sky. Who knew I was being eaten alive until the next morning when my legs were so itchy I was ready to cut them off ha but all I don't let the bugs bug me too much!

my cinematic adventure!

So I have always wanted to go to the movies by myself. . . and last Tuesday evening I finally did it! And it was the best experience of my life. I never like movies when I go on dates or with friends cause you end up talking and missing a lot of the key points so when I get into movies you might as well kill yourself if you bug me. That is why I had this brilliant idea that maybe I should just go to the movie theater by myself and boom, I did it. However, this was no ordinary theater. It was the old town hall where they show movies. . . haha I was shocked when I found out that is where they see their movies and I was dying to go there. They were showing Safe House and I had been dying to see it since it came out so I made my way up to the town hall after work and I stepped inside the old building and man is it old. It seriously reminds me of the buildings the colonists built, I mean they probably did build this after all! When I went in I realized their was a balcony and I had always wanted to watch a movie from a balcony so I stepped outside to ask the guy at the door how you get up there. He quickly informed me it was closed, it is only open on the weekends :( Forlorn, I stepped back in the theater to find a seat when all of the sudden the guy at the door was behind me tapping me on the shoulder. He said he would make an exception for me! I was so stoked, he walked me to the stairs and told me to wait while he got his keys and he asked where my friends were. . . oooo awkward. He seriously almost laughed at me when I said I was alone but he let me up there anyways. The movie was freaking amazing and it was so much fun sitting up by the projector, it makes those clicking noises just like the old projectors and it just created such a dope atmosphere. When the movie ended and I walked out side it was dusk and main street looked so pretty. They have flags probably every ten feet. Did I mention they are patriotic out here like all year long? Well they are. Anyways, if you have not ever been to the movies alone I definitely encourage you. It was probably the best movie theater experience I have ever had! 

Yes I had the balcony all to myself!

Town Hall/ Movie Theater!

I had a nice foot rest. .  . doesn't get better than this

and I ask myself why I don't have more friends. . . 

my HAPPY in Connecticut. . .

So when I first moved here and things were looking gloomy. . . literally. And I promised myself that I would find my own happy here in my new place of residence. In Utah things I know the things that make me happy like the back of my hand and they are all at my fingertips but here in Connecticut was a big mystery and adventure waiting to happen. I know this list will probably grow until the day I leave but I thought I would share some of the things that bring me the most joy here on the East Coast.  

First thing is the natural beauty of Connecticut. It is so close to the City, which is amazing in itself but natural is not one of the best descriptions. However, Connecticut has the most beautiful scenery. It is basically like living in one big forest. My little neighborhood right along the banks of the Zoar river/lake has the most spectacular views and vibes. My favorite thing to do is to go for a jog at night and then go chill out by the lake and just enjoy the peacefulness and beauty around me. It is like the best place to day dream and anyone who knows me understands how much I enjoy daydreaming.

The next thing that I love doing is reading, not just any books, but books of my choice. This is like nirvana compared to college reading. I can just get lost in a book so easily and I don't have any distractions distracting me. I have not read for fun in the longest time and it is just one of life's simple happiness'. 

The next thing on my list is more of an addiction really. It is so bad. My payday is Friday and I am free for the weekend to go out and SHOP. I love shopping more than anything else. Finding something fun or exciting is like finding buried treasure and I seriously crave it. I do not know how I'm going to get all my stuff home. There is just something about shopping by yourself, taking your own sweet time and going through racks and racks of clothes to find what you didn't even know you were searching for in the first place but now you realize you would die without it.  I seriously spend hours going from shop to shop and it is like the best feeling ever. . . Except when I add up all that I have spent, that is not as good of a feeling.

Receiving mail. . . BEST THING. I love going out to the mailbox and finding a letter or a package waiting for me. I have been fortunate enough to receive some very kind and thoughtful packages and letters while I have been here and I seriously die every time I see my name on something. 

Making Kevin, the baby, laugh. Its probably the easiest and most rewarding thing I do all day is making my little stinker giggle. He is one little chunky kid and man is he a lot of work but at the end of the day hearing him laugh reminds me why I love him so much. 

Water skiing. It is a new found talent and I am definitely not a pro by any stretch of the imagination but I am getting better and better every time I go and its like a natural high. You feel so accomplished when you realized your improvement and every time you push it just a little bit more and get a little bit better it is like the best feeling. Also since they live right on the lake skiing on pure glass is not even a question for them, "there is no other kind of water condition that is appropriate for such an activity" as they say.  So its just you flying across the water.  

Exploring the East Coast. . .Going into New York City is SO much fun, mostly because I am able to just explore and do my own thing with my friends. I also like doing this on my own in my spare time Ill go out on a run or take the car out and just go explore. I get to see and experience different parts of the world and its just pure bliss.  

So my list could go on and on but I will end it here for now. I just wanted to give you a taste of why I love being out here on my adventure SO much!

these pics just make me happy so enjoy!