forever and ever.

So a couple of months ago my dear friend Anne Marie shared her last hours with her daughter through an email sent out to many close friends. Now I can't lie, it took me over two months to finally open the email seeing as reading it would bring back many horrible memories from the day that haunts me. I have selfishly closed the door on many of my memories from that day but Anne Marie has asked that we share our last hours with the one and only Sophie Rose, so here I am.  I will try to be as candid and honest as I can be.  I do not want to share this with the intention of making others feel inferior, I do not want this to seem like I was the only one hurt by this loss, I just wanted to share my last hours with my best friend seeing as they were her last mortal hours in this place we call earth.

Monday, June 28th, 2010. . .

Around 8 o'clock or so my mother and I headed down to the stake center to depart from our normal lives and travel up to girls camp where we could just get away. Little did I realize how far away from my normal life I would go.

It was a beautiful sunny day. I remember throwing my bags in the big pile and reminiscing on a morning just like this only a couple years prior when Sophie and I headed up to Brighton Girls Camp together in the exact same spot climbing aboard a big yellow bus to take us away, it was all too familiar. I then noticed Sophie getting out of her car (much older and absolutely stunning, she had grown into such a beautiful girl) and making her way over to the baggage pile with all her stuff.  She had her guitar with her, she was going to play a song that night at the fireside. She and I had been asked to participate by one of our good friends who was on the camp activities board so we didn't have much room to decline the request. She was going to sing a song and I was supposed to give a talk. Neither of us had prepared for this in the slightest. We joked about how unprepared we were and how we would have to just "wing it."

We spent the bus ride doing what we did best, telling stories, laughing and talking. I wish I could tell you that we talked about things that were important. I wish I could say that our chats were meaningful and she gave me life altering advice but that is not the truth. If anything it was anything but that. We talked about boys, which ones were cute, which ones were a waste of time. We trash talked people who had wronged us. We laughed about stupid silly things that had happened. We basically talked about everything you could talk about that in a few short hours I would not give a care in the world to. Sophie was always a snuggler. She was very affectionate to everyone she loved. It always made me feel so special. Even when we were little girls sitting in primary she would always put her head on my shoulder. It made me feel loved, it made me feel like she needed me, like I was her sister. Uhhhh. . . Life can really just suck sometimes. Sometimes it just makes you wanna eat your own head. So if you don't understand my humor, don't take offense. I just learned from one of my dearest friends that sometimes when you think your life could not get any worse you just make a joke and chances are you end up laughing and you remember for a second why life is worth living and there is no better thing in this world than laughter so why not spread some more of it while you are at it.  

When we arrived at camp we unloaded the buses and set up camp and made our beds. Sophie and I fought over who got top bunk but if I remember correctly I think she generously let me win. To be honest though I think deep down we knew it didn't matter because we would have probably stayed up all night talking and laughing and telling stories just like we always did at sleep overs.  After our camp was set up and ready we headed down to lunch at the pavilion. They had some sort of speakers there, either camp directors or some old folks telling us all of the thousands of rules to abide while at camp. Of course Sophie and I did not bother to pay attention and spent the duration of their presentation goofing off and being loud and annoying despite our mothers disapproving looks. They told us we were being rude but that was just the way we were. We did what we wanted and what we wanted to do was be silly.  For lunch we ate chicken salad sandwiches that came with grapes and I'm sure some chips of some sort. Sophie and I quickly finished our first meal and began devising a plan of the least conspicuous way to go and retrieve another serving. We both ate two lunches that day. Calories were not a worry of ours. We laughed and joked about how piggish we were but we didn't care.  Not to mention I don't think there was a day you could call Sophie piggish with those legs of hers.  Sophie wore her mothers jeans to camp and I remember teasing her for having a mom's butt when she beant over. It wasn't like I could talk though cause I had mom jeans on that day too. So she teased me right back. As we left lunch we headed up to the restrooms and chatted as we went about our moms. They were both at camp with us this year and we talked about how much we admired our mothers friendship. We talked about how we wanted to be like that in the future and we hoped that our children would be friends with each other. . . . 

We grabbed our backpacks and we were off on the hike to the lake. I remember Sophie grabbed her scriptures and I told her why in the world would you bring your quad with you it would just be extra weight but she brought them anyways. On the hike we laughed and sang Celine Dion songs in honor of our previous Girls Camp traditions.  She told me how much she missed Scotty and how excited she was to see him. She told me how she was almost positive she was IN LOVE with him.  She told me everything she missed about him. Basically I just got a big ear full about Scotty. But I loved every minute of it because this was probably the happiest I had ever seen Sophie in her life, and she was one happy girl.  But there was just something different about it. She just seemed completely content with everything in her life and there was no heart ache. I have seen her go through just about every stage of life and I have seen her over come so many trials but on this day it was like everything had just fallen into place. She was radiating happiness.  We talked about the boys I liked and didn't like.  I was wearing the infamous Wayne Owens hat that day and I think subconsciously I made some sort of emotional connection with him because of that and because I talked about him to Sophie that day. Looking back on it now I don't know if it was just plain idiocy or if it was part of heavenly fathers design. If only I could go back to this day I would have done SO many things different and said many different things. 

After canoeing around the lake we began our hike back to camp. Little did I realize in those first few steps of this hike that my life was about to change forever. My simple life would soon turn into a horrible cinematic disaster. I will end here because the next few hours of my life are too painful and personal to share.  They are quite possibly the worst hours I will ever have to experience in my lifetime. The best way to put it in words is I was emotionally hit by a train. You know the expression "train wreck." Well it turns out they invented it for me. There are not a lot of things I know for sure from this point on in the day but there is one thing that I know without a shadow of a doubt. As I lay there in the Heber Mountain Emergency waiting room and I looked up at the ceiling I saw a stream of beautiful sunlight spilling into the room and I had the distinct feeling that Sophie was talking to me. It was not like I could see hear and its not like I could hear her. I just had the feeling that she was telling me that she was happy. She told me multiple times how happy she was and that it was meant to be. When you are faced with a trial with this kind of audacity you have a split second to make the most important decision of your life. Will you hate God or trust him with all of your heart and in my experience I decided the latter. I realized after only seconds the enormity of this loss and that I would not be able to do it on my own. I realized that God must know what he is doing. In my mind I was like he better have a dang good reason for taking my best friend away from me and I am still sticking to this theory.  I miss her everyday but I know that it was meant to be. I don't know why I just know it is.  It breaks my heart don't get me wrong but I know that my best friend is off with angels doing things I would never even imagine in my wildest dreams. 

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this day and wonder why? I still don't know how or why she died. I don't know why I was the one to spend her last day on earth with. I don't know why I had to see the things I saw or hear the things I heard. I DO know that I will see her again and until then eyell be waiting, working, growing and preparing for the day that I will be called home to my heavenly father and I will see my Sophie Rose again. 

I know this vid may seem dumb to you but it makes me cry every time. This was taken only hours before Sophie passed and I still cant believe it. She was walking, laughing, singing. She was so happy.